Baltimore, MD - The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) announced the closing yesterday of world famous Johns Hopkins University Hospital after three foreign bodies* were left in the operating room on the same day.
"I've been in the O.R. business for 20 years and I've never seen three foreign bodies left in the O.R. on the same day," said Amy Blamer, a random a surgical technologist from Kansas with 23 years experience who was interviewed for this story.
On August 9th, 2014, a whistleblower notified CMS that that Dupang Mahepedra, Xiarp Xoxoxo, and Tariq Mohammad all died in the operating room. All three patients were MARTI translators on their way to language cross training classes when their van was struck in a Walmart parking lot by a man on a power wheelchair.
World class surgeons worked for 10 hours to try and save these fine men from their life threatening injuries. Unfortunately, all three men passed away on the table.
Early reports indicate surgeons Dan Strong and Phil Braisen ripped off their scrubs, wiped the sweat off their brow and quietly left the operating suite with their heads down in silence.
"After they left the O.R. crying, I saw them enter the doctor lounge for a Turkey sandwich. The nerve of them," said a housekeeper who agreed to speak anonymously for fear of losing her job.
Jim Ballstick, Head of Operating Room Privileges at CMS, was mortified. "To have a surgeon leave three foreign bodies in the O.R. on the same day mandates corrective action immediately," he said, while drinking coffee and searching Ticketmaster for front row seats to Bon Jovi in Baltimore next week.
"I take my job seriously and literally. I hope those surgeons know leaving three foreign bodies in the OR is not acceptable." As a result of this CMS investigation, The Joint Commission is investigating this investigation to determine if they need to investigate something. Anything.
Early reports indicated Johns Hopkins is working aggressively on a new marketing campaign aimed at smoothing over relations with the local foreign community."Leaving a foreign body in the O.R.? Aint nobody got time for that!"
* The term foreign bodies is slang for leaving unintended objects in the body after surgery is complete and is considered a never event. A recent CMS guideline published in document ME4598 mandates literal interpretation of this rule.